Whenever someone says to me, ‘Wait ‘til I tell you about the dream I had last night,’ my heart sinks. It really does. I can actually feel it sinking, and I have to resist the urge to reply, ‘No thanks,’ or something much ruder, while trying to disguise an expression that says, ‘I couldn’t care less.’
There can be few things more boring than listening to a description of someone else’s dream. They rarely make sense to the person whose dream it is, so it just sounds nonsensical to the rest of the entire world.
They’re not funny or strange or crazy or weird or outrageous or hilarious … they’re just BORING! Always. It’s the equivalent being shown someone else’s holiday snaps – I wasn’t there and so it means nothing to me.
I don’t often remember my dreams, and the ones that I do, I keep to myself. That’s because I know people aren’t interested in what has been going through my sub-conscious mind.
So someone says to me … ‘Wait ‘til I tell you about the dream I had last night (My heart starts sinking) … I was sitting eating a burger and chips when Morrissey came into the kitchen riding a Shetland Pony, singing Meat Is Murder. I had to stuff the burger into my pocket but he started sniffing, saying he could smell meat and that if it was me who’d been eating it, then he wouldn’t let me be in his band any more. It was really weird because then the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang appeared in the garden, shouting, ‘Ice-Cream, Lollipops,’ and Morrissey and I ran upstairs and hid under the bed and…’
SHUT UP! NOW! I DON’T CARE!
What you have just told me are the ravings of a mad person. It might make you laugh, but I’m crying inside, and if you don’t stop right now, you will actually see a fully grown man cry.
I’m too polite to say to your face that I don’t want to hear about your dreams, so I’m hoping that everyone who knows me, and everyone who might ever meet me in the future reads this plea … because that’s what it is – a genuine heartfelt plea to keep your dreams to yourself.
I won’t mind if you recount them to yourself and then laugh about how crazy or daft or funny they sound. In fact, I’ll even thank you for it. You might ask yourself what the dream means. That’s fine. Just don’t ask me because I don’t know. How could I ever possibly know?
Sigmund Freud, in his seminal work, The Interpretation of Dreams, stated that ‘Dreams are often most profound when they seem the most crazy.’
Sigmund obviously never had the misfortune to listen to some of the crazy dreams I’ve been told, none of which have ever been profound.
And it’s worth bearing in mind that, in the same work, the bold Doctor Freud also stated that, ‘I was making frequent use of cocaine at that time … I had been the first to recommend the use of cocaine, in 1885, and this recommendation had brought serious reproaches down on me.’
You can email [email protected] with your thoughts and observations … but no dreams. Definitely no dreams!